If You Give A White Girl A Pumpkin Spice Latte

If you say you’re excited for fall, she will probably say, “Me too!” while stepping on a crunchy leaf on the way to the bookstore to buy Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book.

A fall fable in the style of the beloved children’s book, “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”:

If you give a White girl a pumpkin spice latte, she’s going to ask for a gluten-free vegan apple spice muffin.

When you give her the gluten-free vegan apple spice muffin, she’s probably going to ask, “Is this paleo?”

When you tell her no, it’s not paleo, because cavemen didn’t have muffins, and for a muffin to be paleo it would basically have to be a sweet potato mixed with raw egg and mashed into a muffin tin, which would definitely not be a muffin, she’s probably going to ask for a refund on the muffin.

When you give her the refund, she’s going to use the money to buy a new plaid poncho in a warm, autumnal color scheme.

If you tell her you like her new poncho with the warm, autumnal color scheme, she will probably say, “Thank you. It’s giving me LIFE.”

If you ask her how a poncho is capable of imparting life, she will say, “I wrote all about it on my fashion blog,” and text you the link.

When you visit the link, you will find a hundred photos of her in her new poncho with the warm, autumnal color scheme, under the title, “Mad for Plaid!”

While you are scrolling through the “Mad for Plaid!” photos, wondering why she felt the need to post SO MANY pictures of the same exact outfit and pose, she will ask you if you’re excited for fall.

If you say you’re excited for fall, she will probably say, “Me too!” while stepping on a crunchy leaf on the way to the bookstore to buy Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book.

After she buys Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, she will ask if you would like to celebrate the season by taking a photo of her wearing a pair of DIY crocheted boot socks in an artfully landscaped pumpkin patch while holding a copy of Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book and drinking a pumpkin spice latte.

If you agree to take a photo of her wearing a pair of DIY crocheted boot socks in an artfully landscaped pumpkin patch while holding a copy of Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book and drinking a pumpkin spice latte, she will say, “Make sure it looks candid though.”

When you take a staged-but-candid-looking photo of her posing in an artfully landscaped pumpkin patch while wearing DIY crocheted boot socks, holding a copy of Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, and drinking a pumpkin spice latte, she will post it on Instagram and hashtag it #fallvibes.

If you click on the hashtag #fallvibes, you will find a bunch more White girls posing in artfully landscaped pumpkin patches, along with photos of crunchy leaves, apple orchards, wide-brimmed felt hats, and gluten-free vegan apple spice muffins.

When you show her a photo of a gluten-free vegan apple spice muffin hashtagged #fallvibes, she’s probably going to ask if they’ve made a paleo version yet.

If you tell her they haven’t, she will sigh and say, “I’ll just take a pumpkin spice latte.”